Our Time in Colorado: Experiencing Significant Life Changes

I knew at some point I would need to write this down. It’s still very fresh on my mind right now, and I can easily share the highlights with others. But I knew there would be details I would start to miss if I didn’t write it down. I honestly feel like I have lived a whole lifetime within the last 2 years, and I just don’t want to forget it. And what I’m about to write is actually only a small part of it all. Thank you, Lord, for all of the tearing down, planting, and rebuilding that you did within my heart as well as John’s. We are forever grateful. 

When we moved to Colorado in January of 2022, we came in on a high after having experienced some of the greatest times of our lives in Guatemala. It had been just a beautiful experience in every way. I know the Lord gave us that time to recognize His heart for us through the voices and arms of His people. I will always hold that time as precious and cherished in my heart. So when we moved to Colorado, we were determined to create the type of community that we saw and were a part of in Guatemala.

We jumped in head first in order to meet people fast, and make the most of each moment. Everyone had always said it would take a year to find your way in a new place. However, we were determined to beat the odds, and make it faster. We didn’t like change and adjustment, and had just been through a lot of it. So we were of the mind to manipulate our way into getting through the transition phase as fast as we could. We thought we were doing well too!! Haha. The Colorado lifestyle was fitting us well.

We took the kids for hikes and weekend getaways to cute little mountain towns. We had never gotten the chance to do these things so regularly, and we took advantage of it. Further, We also jumped into church hoping to develop community there. We tried a handful of churches and ended up going to two different ones every Sunday for several months. We just weren’t sure which one we wanted to end up at, and we were meeting people at both. So we figured we might as well keep going to both for a while. We even joined two different church groups, one from each church, just to meet more and more people. We met hundreds of people within those first few months, and while it was fun in a way, we were both longing for a depth within relationships and were not there yet.

Then when summer hit, everything hit the fan. All of the church groups stopped for the summer. Everyone started traveling. “We” were traveling too. Colorado is truly a summer paradise. And we realized we were never seeing anyone regularly that we had met. We were spread thin going to two churches and needed to pick one. But we just felt very lonely during that time. The hardest part however, was that we felt distant from each other as well.

Ever since we had been in Colorado, John’s business had been struggling financially, and he was so overwhelmed with work and stress to provide that we seemed disconnected in every way. We weren’t fighting, but just not communicating, and it led to such a lonely place for both of us. He was trying to protect me from knowing what kind of financial problems we were in, and I was trying to not add any more to his plate.

So we just stopped talking, and then it got to the point to where He couldn’t really look me in the eye. When he would get home, he might say “hi,” but then he’d go straight to the kids and be there for them. Now I’m not writing these hard details to shame him. In fact, quite the opposite. Because, while it felt to me that I was being completely neglected, I was actually very heavily on his mind all the time. He was dealing with so much shame at the time. Most of it was due to his feeling like he had failed me in so many ways. He felt he had moved us to a new place away from comfort and away from family. Falsely, he believed he couldn’t provide for us.

John felt that he was sinking further and further into a hole the more he tried to work his way out of it. He was being attacked in so many ways, and just didn’t have the confidence to face me. We both were so alone, and didn’t really know what to do, but we knew we couldn’t continue like this. The beautiful part to this phase of the story for me was that God and God alone met me in my loneliness. He became for me everything I needed. He in fact, became my husband. He took me in His arms, and never let go. This was the absolute only way I made it through this time. He brought me to nothing before Him, and then He became my everything. 

And while it wasn’t exactly the same for John during this time, I knew that God was certainly bringing Him to nothing in a beautiful way. I knew that in His timing, that He would build Him back up in a new way. I waited for this, and I tried to build him up and remind him that he had not failed me. But at that point, my words weren’t getting through to him.

He was blinded by shame. I had to let him go completely, and entrust him to Jesus, the only One who can take the blindfold off. On a side note, however; there was a beautiful moment that we shared right in the midst of the hard summer we went through. For a year or two before that, we had been talking on and off about whether or not we would have another kid. We had always been on different pages about this.

I always wanted one more, and he wanted to be done. He was not completely closed off, but just didn’t have the same desire I did. So, in the midst of everything else we were walking through, I was really struggling with carrying this desire on my own, and feeling crushed by the thought that this might never happen. I had tried praying fervently that God would just take the desire away from me, because I didn’t want it if John was not going to be there too.

I don’t blame him at all for not having this desire, and I just wanted to be free of it myself, if it wasn’t going to come true. But every time I prayed, I felt like the desire became stronger. I would try to let it go, and felt that it would come back with a vengeance. So, I questioned my motives, and doubted for a long time whether or not I was hearing the Lord. I felt that maybe I was just being selfish for wanting this so badly. But I still did, and finally just began praying that if this desire was from the Lord, that He would change John’s heart as well.

And in August of last year, God reminded me of the story of Mary breaking the jar over Jesus’ head. That bottle of perfume was very precious to her, and in breaking it, she was declaring, “Jesus, you mean more to me.” She was letting go in a very permanent way, and embracing someone else. I knew God had been teaching me how to turn my yearning for a baby towards Him instead. But I also felt He was calling me to give the desire up in a much more permanent way. I think each time I had tried, I had taken it back a little bit, being scared to give it up for good.

So I went to John and told him what God was calling me to do in breaking the jar, figuratively speaking. He said that maybe he should “break the jar” as well from his side of things. In other words, maybe God wanted him to hand over his “lack of desire” as well, and declare with me that Jesus meant more than anything. But then he said, “Why don’t we write these things down, as well as other things: struggles, desires, etc. that we feel like we need to break before the Lord, and we can put them in a jar, pray over them, and actually break it.”

So we did. We wrote down several things, including this topic, and placed them in a jar and broke it. And the minute it broke, I felt this new space open up in my heart, and I felt Jesus just swoop in and fill it in such a tangible, relieving, and overwhelming way. It was beautiful. The desire for a baby was still there, but the burden of it was gone. It wasn’t mine to carry anymore. He had it for good, and I was so content in that. I really see the timing of it all too, because I think God was strengthening me in a way to be able to walk with John through what was about to come. In September, he got a call from his mom saying that they had found his dad dead on the floor of their house.

It was so sudden, and unexpected, and it wrecked our world. It was all too similar to the way my dad had passed several years before. We rushed back to Texas for over a week, and were there with family. If you’ve ever lost family, you know we were just moving around like robots, not really cognizant or coherent or what was going on. It was all so vivid yet felt like a dream. John hit an all time low after this, not just because of losing his dad, but just all of it compiling at once. He drifted through life, and I basically was determined to hold the fort together.

Thankfully, right during these next few months we met some friends who ended up becoming like family for us. They may not know this, but God sent them at just the right time, and they helped to carry us through. Over thanksgiving break, we came back to Lubbock, and something broke in John over that holiday. It was like his eyes were opened to where he was, and he recognized the downward spiral he had been on.

God began to unwrap the blindfold of shame, and walk him through some new levels of grief. He began to shift his perspective on our finances as well, showing him that we were really ok, and better off than he thought we were. And He gave John a view of me in a whole new way, and he began to see me and pursue me and love me in such a beautiful and special way. Through the month of December, something changed, and I’m forever grateful because I know that it could have only been God. He began to rebuild our marriage on a much stronger and more durable foundation.

It took me a little bit to let John back in, however, because I realized I had gone into survival mode, and had put up several walls in order to protect myself. So while, God did some major work in John, he was simultaneously doing some amazing work in me. And I am so glad that He was working, because we were about to encounter some very large and looming decisions ahead. 

On our way back from the Christmas break, John told me that a good friend of ours from Lubbock had presented him with a potential job offer, and he wanted John to consider it. I looked at him surprised, because I immediately felt that we hadn’t been in Colorado long enough to even see what all God had for us there. I felt that we were just getting our feet under us again, that we were starting to build community and that our family was beginning to thrive.

In addition, I had missed my Lubbock people the whole time I was gone, but I felt that I was starting to see how I could thrive in Colorado while still maintaining long distance friendships. John too felt that it was probably too soon, but told me that he felt like he needed to at least apply just to check it off the list. He just wanted to see what would happen. So on our drive home we agreed to pray daily over this job decision as well as the decision of whether or not we would have another baby.

We knew the job decision had to be made first because the hire would be made first by the end of February, and that we would revisit the baby decision sometime in March.

As we prayed fervently over both decisions, I felt very strongly that the only thing I heard the Lord tell me about the job was that He would lead John to make the right decision and that He would give me peace one way or the other. I voiced this to John, and he was really hoping that I had more to say on the matter. What I began to see later, was that during the previous year, which was John’s absolute hardest year, he really struggled with self confidence. And so during these first few months of the next year, he was doubting his ability to make wise decisions for his family and to really hear the Lord’s leading.

He was actually hoping that I would have more of an answer for him because he believed more at that time in “my” ability to hear the Lord over his own. So in hindsight, we both began to see that even though John didn’t want this, God actually got me out of the way, so to speak, so that He could build John back up in his own confidence in hearing the Lord.

I was still very much with him in the decision. I mean this was potentially another big move that I was willing to make to honor my husband. But God really led John during this process even though it was not an easy one. Over the first few weeks and the first few interviews, I started to see John’s excitement for the job begin to grow. I started to recognize that maybe God really did plan to only have us in Colorado for a very short amount of time. I began to recognize just how much he had already done in our lives over the last year, and began to understand that if there was supposed to be another big move back to Texas, then God must have called us to bring back some of the amazing things we had learned along the way.

Then, John seemed to start to waver in his excitement. He found out some things that made him recognize just how much risk was involved, and began to question everything. This was where I just started praying in depth not just for God to lead, but for God to build John up in confidence so that he could make the wise decision. I knew somehow that God was not going to tell me anything else, and that he was going to tell just John one way or another. The business conducted over 100 interviews, and John was one of the last three picks.

Our friend had pretty much said that if he wanted the job, it was his. It came down to the last week, and I watched my husband in so much turmoil. He just didn’t know. I booked him a hotel room the night before he had to let his friend know, and just told him to go be with Jesus. He just needed to get away. The next morning, I went to see him, and he told me that he had taken the job. I saw a smile on his face, and I knew that there was a relief that had washed over him, and then I was relieved as well.

We still did not know what all was in store for us, but we knew that one massive decision was behind, and we could breathe. At the end of March, after praying every day, I came to John and asked if we could talk again about the baby. I told him that since the day we broke the bottle, I had been content. I had been relieved of the burden of my desire for a baby, and God had filled that space in my heart.

Yet, over the months that had transpired, I had felt assured over and over by God that He had placed the desire on my heart. I still didn’t know if that meant He would bring it to fruition. I was aware that perhaps He just gave it to me to teach me many important life lessons, and to grow my heart for Him in the process. If this was the case, I was grateful, and knew that He would take the desire away at some point. But I just knew that it was from Him, and I voiced this to John. I assured him that I wasn’t pushing for anything at all.

I was still very content, but I did still have this desire. He replied saying that he knew what I deeply wanted him to say. He knew that I wanted for him to express that God had completely changed his heart, and that he was now on the same page as me. So, he told me that he still could “not” say that. And then he said, “But I trust you.” He told me that he truly believed that I could hear the Lord. He was willing to go down this road with me because he trusted what was in my heart.

Whew! I was blown away. I was still confused, thinking that the only two outcomes would have been for God to have taken the desire away from me or for God to have changed his heart. But then I saw that in the same way God had built John up in his confidence to heart the Lord on his own with the job decision, He was doing the same for me with this.

And while I always felt that the the confirmation for me was that God would have changed John’s heart, the confirmation I received instead was that John trusted “my” heart. I never saw this third outcome, but I’m so grateful for it and always will me. Plus, God spoke to me a few days later showing me that John showed a deeper act of love to me by trusting me than he would have if his heart had just been transformed.

It would have been much easier for him to have agreed with me if God had placed it heavily on him as well. But he showed a deeper act of love to me by coming into agreement with me without really having the same desire. Don’t get me wrong, he was always somewhat open to the idea, he just never had the same desire for it that I did and I never faulted him for it.

It seemed just as natural to have that desire as it was not not. Anyway, it was a beautiful conversation. I spoke with my doctor about what she thought, and she felt completely comfortable with us pursuing this. We got off of birth control at the end of May, and I was pregnant by the end of June. And between April and June we had tackled another massive move back to Texas, saying goodbye to our somewhat new but precious friends in Colorado, and re-integrating back into Lubbock.

It had been a very stressful move, which made the pregnancy such a surprise that it came so fast. Yet, such a wonderful confirmation again to both of us, that God’s hand was in all of it. Our church that we had become a part of in Colorado had blessed us and sent us back with such love and support. We were beyond grateful for them. We’re also still hopeful to continue some of these special relationships. We know they were a big reason why we were supposed to be there for that time in our lives. They truly became brothers and sisters for us during an unusual phase of our lives.

The Lord continues to provide evidence of His providence and love as we are settling back into Lubbock life. We came back with bigger hearts, wider perspectives, and much deeper gratitude. We will forever be grateful for all the goodness that God divinely worked into the hard and happy moments of our lives while we were in Colorado. And maybe someday, He will call us back. But in the meantime, we are learning that He is with us every step of the way.